Crystals That Don’t Work
“I Spent $487 on Rose Quartz and He Still Texted ‘k.'”
Spiritual wellness enthusiast Kendra Bloom filed a formal complaint to her crystal supplier–and the cosmos–after her curated collection of rose quartz, amethyst, and emotionally charged citrine failed to prevent her ex-boyfriend from ghosting her mid-brunch.
“I saged my apartment, my heart, and even his Xbox controller,” Kendra said. “And he still said he ‘needed space to vibe solo.'”
Her order included a “Love Bundle” blessed by a reiki-influencer named MoonMelissa and shipped with a playlist of flute-based affirmations.
Kendra now claims the crystals were “emotionally inert” and has left a one-star review reading, “These rocks are just rocks.”
She’s since pivoted to vengeance aromatherapy and a revenge blog titled *You Can’t Spell Healing Without H-E-L-L.*
The universe has yet to respond, but her plants look nervous.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
